you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
