We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
