He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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