you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
They took my balls.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
