I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Never underestimate the power of titties
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize