and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize