you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
