i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
