Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
