1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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