Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
