I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
