How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
