How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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