just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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