You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When are your genitals available?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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