the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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