Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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