Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
