My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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