You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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