Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
