forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
