i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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