Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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