Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
