he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
