Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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