Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize