So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
