then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
