Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
