literally had 100 drinks last night.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
