I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
