i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
