Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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