i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Randomize
