I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
