break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
