Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
