I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
