i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
