Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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