you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
