i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
