okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
