"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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