I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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