I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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