Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
