his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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