Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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