he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
