9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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