I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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